Some morning inspiration

..."If you trust in Nature, in what is simple in Nature, in the small Things that hardly anyone sees and that can so suddenly become huge, immeasurable; if you have this love for what is humble and try very simply, as someone who serves, to win the confidence of what seems poor; then everything will become easier for you, more coherent and somehow more reconciling, not in your conscious mind perhaps, which stays behind, astonished, but in your innermost awareness, awakeness and knowledge. You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now, Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

-- Rainer Maria Rilke Letters to a Young Poet

11.14.15

Rain drops splatter gently on the windows, plop plop plop, gathering in numbers and washing the day away as we welcome the night. Sitting in Omi’s cozy corner chair, I can’t shake this tinge of melancholy. It’s amazing that a place I’ve only visited a few times in my life can still hold such a wealth of memories. On the shelves there are books that Andy read and studied intently as an 8-year old. Opi’s pipes stand neatly lined up on the wall in the corner, his presence still here, still solid and real.

I peer into Omi’s life. The beautiful, difficult and at times painful life that she's lived. And through it all, surrounded by the stories that weave together her rich history, there is such peace and calm in this home. Being back here I notice how on edge I feel, how tightly wound and fast-moving I am, barely stopping for more than 15 minutes to read or pause or be. It’s taking some practice, but this week has been so grounding, as if with each morning I wake up with a little less weight, a bit less baggage.

Until this visit, I don’t think I’ve ever noticed the calm that Omi radiates. She brings it with her everywhere she goes and it's palpable. Even just sitting next to her or sharing a meal at the table, her energy is like river of serenity washing through me, taking away the stress and anxiety that don’t belong. 

I want so badly to be that type of person, to manifest such peace and share that with others without even realizing it. To feel balanced and content with exactly how things are. But more often than I like to admit, I fight against what I have, or want something more or think I need whatever else it is to really start my life. But this is it. This moment, the uncertainty I so easily get caught up in, the rain drops plopping one by one by one. I know I can’t suddenly change the way I experience and think about my life and the world, but if I could just let things be as they are and enjoy them. Soak up each seemingly tiny moment and know that I will be fine. No amount of stress or worry or wonder will make a difference, but I can learn to be present and deal with life as it is.

I sit here with tears in my eyes, tears I’ve felt brimming for days now, and I don’t know why. And as I start to dissect my emotions to make sense of them all, I stop. It doesn’t matter. I don’t need any answers right now. I’m okay. Hell, I’m so incredibly lucky to have so much love and vibrance in my life. Can’t that be enough?

My one wish is if I am lucky enough to grow “old” one day, I can look back on my life and feel peace and gratitude. To know that I loved and adventured and took risks and trusted myself entirely. This life will not ever be what we expect or what we planned. But at the end of the day, isn’t that where the beauty and magic happens? Today, I choose to trust that and make room for more magic in my own life. A little slice of it each and every day.

"Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths."  - ETTY HILLESUM

Sometimes words are just enough

How cool would it be to personalize the words, change the colors and make this a wedding invitation?  I'll admit that I rarely if ever think of these things, but the hopeless romantic in me can't help but run wild daydreaming with an image like this.  Words turned into visual art?  Definitely one of those "why didn't I ever think of that?!" - moments.  Still, I'm glad someone did.  Pitter patter, pitter patter.

Found here.

Daydreaming of...

A day mopeding all around Santorini....

A Costa Rican sunset...

 And spring time.

Pretty please?  I'll take any of the above.  Gladly.  Though I suppose the third the is most realistic.  But hey, who needs realism anyway?

Feverish

Being sick royally sucks.  And yes, this is a highly original thought.  Aside from the piles of balled up kleenexes like leftover snow forming barriers around the couch and one overworked tea kettle, I must admit that catching a nasty cold does have one perk: it's forcing me to finally slow down.

For the past however many months since I've started working, I've barely stopped to breathe.  Or when I have, it's only for a brief moment that doesn't stick around long enough to mean anything.  It's as if this cold snuck in just in time to remind myself of that whole concept of balance and how vitally important it really is to our health (and sanity).

So all weekend I have been lounging at home, watching movies, reading, laying in bed in the middle of the afternoon - things I haven't done on the weekend in I don't even know how long.  The fuziness of my mind prohibits me from thinking too hard about anything (it's a lost cause, I swear) and instead I settle in that middle ground where reality and dreams come to meet.  And it feels so good to just be.  To let it all go.  I day dream all afternoon and wonder about things, reliving old memories just to be with those people I'm not lucky enough to have in DC right now.

The piles of kleenexes grow taller and the sky outside fades into black.  The sniffling may not subside for a while, and I hope the wandering mind doesn't either.  For now I lay in the dark amidst flickering candles, watching lightening forge paths across the sky.  Not your typical Sunday Funday, but I'll take it.

3.19.2011

Writing.  It has been a while.  A long while.  I’ve had my excuses.  My sad excuses for not taking the time to sit with the blank page and think.  Really think.  The truth is that the blank page used to give me comfort.  I’d sit there and revel in the possibilities that all that space could hold.  Words upon words, strung together to create meaning that I could call my own.  Even if I struggled, if the words didn’t make sense, if I ended with my forehead in my hands out of frustration for not knowing what came next … But eventually—when eventually came—the page would be filled, overflowing with words and thoughts and dreams and realities.  I knew that I had accomplished something.

Lately though, that ominous white space has a different effect.  I barely know what to do with it, let alone with myself.  Even the mere thought of sitting and writing makes my anxiety flare up and I want to run away screaming with my arms flailing wildly above my head.  

But, something about today made me realize that I still need this space, no matter how intimidating it can be at times.  My fingers now glide across the keys—nowhere near effortless—but they still work diligently, with promise and intention.  I think of all the time I used to spend here, in this space, and I can’t help but smile.  The familiarity if it, the process, the thinking, the feeling of letting the words unravel right in front of you.  I love this place, and suddenly, I’m just starting to remember that.  

The Girl Effect

In doing research for a job interview, I came across this video.  Do me a favor and watch it because it will give you chills.  And make you want to change the world in the smallest but most powerful way.  That's worth three minutes, right?

"We make ourselves real by telling the truth."

—Thomas Merton

Firsts

From autumn...

 to winter...

Yesterday was the first snow here in DC, and I was lucky enough to enjoy the scene sitting by my window with a steaming cup of peppermint tea.  Tiny flurries danced down from the clouds and the craze of the city seemed to pause for a few minutes.  Isn't is strange how snow has that effect?  As if a soft silence sweeps in and makes everyone take a deep breath.  Sigh.  Even though I may complain of the frigid temperatures sometimes, I secretly love bundling up and transporting the coziness from home to wherever I go that day.  Tis the season!

Happy weekend everyone!