11.14.15

Rain drops splatter gently on the windows, plop plop plop, gathering in numbers and washing the day away as we welcome the night. Sitting in Omi’s cozy corner chair, I can’t shake this tinge of melancholy. It’s amazing that a place I’ve only visited a few times in my life can still hold such a wealth of memories. On the shelves there are books that Andy read and studied intently as an 8-year old. Opi’s pipes stand neatly lined up on the wall in the corner, his presence still here, still solid and real.

I peer into Omi’s life. The beautiful, difficult and at times painful life that she's lived. And through it all, surrounded by the stories that weave together her rich history, there is such peace and calm in this home. Being back here I notice how on edge I feel, how tightly wound and fast-moving I am, barely stopping for more than 15 minutes to read or pause or be. It’s taking some practice, but this week has been so grounding, as if with each morning I wake up with a little less weight, a bit less baggage.

Until this visit, I don’t think I’ve ever noticed the calm that Omi radiates. She brings it with her everywhere she goes and it's palpable. Even just sitting next to her or sharing a meal at the table, her energy is like river of serenity washing through me, taking away the stress and anxiety that don’t belong. 

I want so badly to be that type of person, to manifest such peace and share that with others without even realizing it. To feel balanced and content with exactly how things are. But more often than I like to admit, I fight against what I have, or want something more or think I need whatever else it is to really start my life. But this is it. This moment, the uncertainty I so easily get caught up in, the rain drops plopping one by one by one. I know I can’t suddenly change the way I experience and think about my life and the world, but if I could just let things be as they are and enjoy them. Soak up each seemingly tiny moment and know that I will be fine. No amount of stress or worry or wonder will make a difference, but I can learn to be present and deal with life as it is.

I sit here with tears in my eyes, tears I’ve felt brimming for days now, and I don’t know why. And as I start to dissect my emotions to make sense of them all, I stop. It doesn’t matter. I don’t need any answers right now. I’m okay. Hell, I’m so incredibly lucky to have so much love and vibrance in my life. Can’t that be enough?

My one wish is if I am lucky enough to grow “old” one day, I can look back on my life and feel peace and gratitude. To know that I loved and adventured and took risks and trusted myself entirely. This life will not ever be what we expect or what we planned. But at the end of the day, isn’t that where the beauty and magic happens? Today, I choose to trust that and make room for more magic in my own life. A little slice of it each and every day.