The full spectrum

Cold raindrops land on my warm cheeks and the sunshine still holds strong. My breath speeds up, my feet press against the earth with purpose and every cell in my body is alive with energy, endorphins and possibility. The sky can't quite make up its mind this evening but I don't care.

Then I catch a glimmer of something in the corner of my eye. And the mother of all rainbows blazes its colors in a glorious arc across the sky. Wow. Even my breath catches in my throat. What a beautiful, gracious gift. And a reminder that everything is transient. But sometimes the earth blows you away with its outrageous beauty. It's our job to pause, notice and embrace what is all around us. Then to keep on going. One small but mighty step at a time.

And just because a rainbow always reminds me of this quote, so artfully said by Emerson + Winnie the Pooh.

"This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life."

Early mornings

I wake up with dreams still swirling around in my head, retreating to some far off corner of my mind where I can no longer reach them. I settle into the present moment. The early morning sky is still fast asleep, dark and quiet. My current situation begins to sink in, to feel real, and almost immediately a tidal wave of questions, doubts and uncertainties come flooding in. I know I should learn to be comfortable here, to appreciate the possibilities that come with the unknown, but at times I'll admit that it can be paralyzing. If I take one wrong step in any direction, maybe I'll screw up. Again.

Ever since I was little, I carried with me this love of adventure, of challenging myself to take risks and grow. There was no fear associated with the unknown but instead a thrill of what could be. And as I've gotten older, I've come to realize that for better or worse, I rarely understand or see the consequences of taking those risks, of trying to be that person that embraces change over comfort. I take the leap with my whole heart and once I land, everything's unearthed again. The comfort and stability I had—or thought I had—shifts, leaving me with this glaring hole of doubt that burrows uncomfortably deep. I do everything I can to fill it—and whoa man, do I fill it. I depend on my job and those around me to patch up the void, to make that sense of emptiness feel less real. And it works for a while. Hell, I can fake it better than I want to admit.

But soon enough, it catches up with me. And I have no choice but to face it, to sit in it and acknowledge the discomfort and doubt. It's a lonely place to be. But perhaps that loneliness serves a purpose. It has to. I suppose sometimes we have to force ourselves to really see where we are, what we feel and what we believe, and we need to do that in a space that's not cluttered by busyness, work, people, whatever distractions we teach ourselves to lean on. By allowing ourselves to be lonely, or rather to embrace solitude amidst the discomfort, we enter a rare place where we can ask big important questions and hopefully, eventually, give ourselves real, honest answers.

I think back to a quote that Brene Brown included in Daring Greatly. She writes:

"Only when we're brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."

The sky outside my window is slowly beginning to stir. The midnight blue mass gently starts to fade to indigo as the day inches forward to light. Lying here, I feel it all. And I don't know what comes next. But I'm teaching myself to be brave, to know that each step forward is just that—a step in a direction where I can begin again. Who knows if the choices we make are right or wrong in this life. But if we can trust ourselves and our own strength to embrace whatever comes, then maybe the adventure in its entirety is worth it. 

Some morning inspiration

..."If you trust in Nature, in what is simple in Nature, in the small Things that hardly anyone sees and that can so suddenly become huge, immeasurable; if you have this love for what is humble and try very simply, as someone who serves, to win the confidence of what seems poor; then everything will become easier for you, more coherent and somehow more reconciling, not in your conscious mind perhaps, which stays behind, astonished, but in your innermost awareness, awakeness and knowledge. You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now, Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

-- Rainer Maria Rilke Letters to a Young Poet

11.14.15

Rain drops splatter gently on the windows, plop plop plop, gathering in numbers and washing the day away as we welcome the night. Sitting in Omi’s cozy corner chair, I can’t shake this tinge of melancholy. It’s amazing that a place I’ve only visited a few times in my life can still hold such a wealth of memories. On the shelves there are books that Andy read and studied intently as an 8-year old. Opi’s pipes stand neatly lined up on the wall in the corner, his presence still here, still solid and real.

I peer into Omi’s life. The beautiful, difficult and at times painful life that she's lived. And through it all, surrounded by the stories that weave together her rich history, there is such peace and calm in this home. Being back here I notice how on edge I feel, how tightly wound and fast-moving I am, barely stopping for more than 15 minutes to read or pause or be. It’s taking some practice, but this week has been so grounding, as if with each morning I wake up with a little less weight, a bit less baggage.

Until this visit, I don’t think I’ve ever noticed the calm that Omi radiates. She brings it with her everywhere she goes and it's palpable. Even just sitting next to her or sharing a meal at the table, her energy is like river of serenity washing through me, taking away the stress and anxiety that don’t belong. 

I want so badly to be that type of person, to manifest such peace and share that with others without even realizing it. To feel balanced and content with exactly how things are. But more often than I like to admit, I fight against what I have, or want something more or think I need whatever else it is to really start my life. But this is it. This moment, the uncertainty I so easily get caught up in, the rain drops plopping one by one by one. I know I can’t suddenly change the way I experience and think about my life and the world, but if I could just let things be as they are and enjoy them. Soak up each seemingly tiny moment and know that I will be fine. No amount of stress or worry or wonder will make a difference, but I can learn to be present and deal with life as it is.

I sit here with tears in my eyes, tears I’ve felt brimming for days now, and I don’t know why. And as I start to dissect my emotions to make sense of them all, I stop. It doesn’t matter. I don’t need any answers right now. I’m okay. Hell, I’m so incredibly lucky to have so much love and vibrance in my life. Can’t that be enough?

My one wish is if I am lucky enough to grow “old” one day, I can look back on my life and feel peace and gratitude. To know that I loved and adventured and took risks and trusted myself entirely. This life will not ever be what we expect or what we planned. But at the end of the day, isn’t that where the beauty and magic happens? Today, I choose to trust that and make room for more magic in my own life. A little slice of it each and every day.