Restaurant Etiquette 101

(Disclaimer: please read the following with an appreciation of sarcasm. And remember that sarcasm most often stems from the truth. Enjoy.)

On behalf of waiters all around the world, I’ve compiled a fairly short and reasonable list of things to keep in mind when dining out. Words to the wise, if you will. Follow these simple behavioral guidelines (some special scenarios included for explanatory purposes), and you can ensure that you and your fellow diners don’t look like assholes in a restaurant (one star or five stars, the same ‘rules’ may be applied).

1. Waiters (and chefs, cooks, bartenders, bussers, etc.) are people too. We forget little things on occasion or screw up orders. We are human. Repeat it with me now: “H-U-M-A-N.” We often have a constant mental to-do list that is five, six, seven items long and constantly being added to, so if I unfortunately forget (momentarily) to bring that ashtray you asked for, or in the off chance that I drop a fork on the floor, wait a moment before putting that ‘I’m-so-angry-and-you-suck-at-your-job’ look on your face. Believe it or not, you may not be the only person sitting in the restaurant. Those people to the left and right of you? Yes, they actually DO exist. We may treat you like you are the king and queen (or the entire royal family), but it’s merely an illusion we like to keep up so that you tip us better.

2. Miscommunication may occur sporadically, especially when you are in a place where multiple languages are spoken or people are coming from different cultures, backgrounds, and continents. Scenario #1: Let’s say you ask me for ham and eggs. I ask you ‘scrambled or fried?’ You respond, ‘Scrambled.’ To me that means ham with eggs, not an omelette with ham inside. So then when I bring you your ham and eggs on the same plate but not mixed together, you do not have to look at me like a) I’m a total idiot, and/or b) that I do not know exactly what you said. In different places, the same thing can have two separate meanings. I know, crazy right? And say that this sort of situation does arise and your waiter genuinely apologizes for the mistake taking all responsibility for the misunderstanding, be kind and accept that maybe, just maybe the woman or man that took your order did not possess telepathic powers and could not read your mind. You can then stop sulking and either enjoy the good food that is given to you or politely send it back and wait the five minutes it takes to make a new plate that is exactly what you wanted.

3. The golden rule: treat others the way you’d like to be treated. We’ve all heard it a million times, but for whatever reason, many people seem to think that this basic human rule does not apply to people in the service industry (including all hotel and restaurant personnel). Politeness and respect go both ways. Despite what you may think, your waiter is not your bitch.

4. In the off chance that your waiter does not speak your native language fluently, try to be understanding. Don’t merely assume that a misplaced article or incorrectly conjugated verb makes them incompetent. Contrary to what you may want to believe, I. AM. NOT. RETARDED. Remember when your high school (insert foreign language here) teacher put you on the spot in front of the whole class and you chocked? You felt the pressure building behind your temples, the letters all jumbled in your brain, the eyes of that evil teacher burrying deep into your soul and you couldn’t get a word out and instead sat there stone-faced, speechless, swearing to yourself that you would never EVER take a (insert foreign language here) class again...? Consider that when talking to someone who is desperately trying to learn your language, putting themselves out there where they risk feeling the way you felt in that scarring moment however many years ago but they do it everyday, multiple times a day, and to serve you, to make you happy, to ensure that you have the best possible experience at their expense.

5. Be patient. For reasons beyond your waiters control, sometimes food (or whatever it is) takes a few minutes longer than you’d like. Scenario #2: You would like two cappuccinos and one cup of coffee. You ask a waiter as she or he is rushing by you to another table. The waiter stops, listens, and says, “Yes of course, right away.” Three minutes later when the drinks have not yet arrived, you ask the second waiter that runs by you. They too stop, listen patiently and respond, “Yes of course. I will be right back with that.” One minute later when your capps and coffee have not appeared on your table, you ask the third waiter that passes by you for the same thing, again. “Of course ma’am. Right away.” The possibility that the espresso machine needs to be refilled with coffee beans (after four other drink orders are carried out) or that the capps have to come from the bar because the steam wand at the restaurant station is currently out of order would never in a million years cross your mind. No. The only answer to you is that waiters one, two, and three are dumbasses and cannot do anything right, therefore the entire establishment sucks and you never want to come back. Then 30 seconds after you and your friends have joyously started sipping the two capps and one cup of coffee, and a second waiter comes by with the same order that you asked for (while a third order is also being prepared in the back), you do not need to be rude. YOU were the one that asked three different people for the same thing within a five minute period. So next time, instead of letting impatience on your part ruin your meal, sit back, relax, and enjoy the eating and dining experience. Isn’t that why we like to go out to dinner afterall?

And if you take anything away from these guidelines, just remember... Don't be the asshole. Yes, expect greatness, but (at the risk of sounding cliche) nobody’s perfect. Get over it. Enjoy your meal, tip well, and get out. The faster you eat the sooner I get to go home.